If you were gay
by HollywoodVampire
Summary: House wants to know if Wilsons gay, so what does he do? Instead of looking for small clues and subtle hints he simply asks. Inspired by the song If you were gay by Avenue Q. Contains mild swearing.


Authors Note: This story was inspired by the song If You Were Gay by Avenue Q. It is a hilarious song and if you'd like to hear it the link is on my profile...I hope you like it and please, please, _please _review!!

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Wilson compared living with House to living in an untamed jungle. In order to survive you needed to learn the ways of the jungle so you could use them to your advantage. Wilson had done precisely this. He had observed House in his natural habitat and had figured out that it took House longer to do things than most people. Weather it be because of his handicap or because he was easily distracted, Wilson didn't know. House had left fifteen minutes ago to pick up beer, a task which usually took Wilson thirty minutes. That meant he had forty-five minutes to himself, an occurrence so rare Wilson doubted if he would see it ever again.

He stood in the middle of the apartment he and House now shared, looking for something to do that would occupy this new found time. There was no paperwork to do, and cooking was out of the question seeing as House had no food to cook. After flipping through the channels he found there was not much to watch on Monday nights and decided reading was his best bet. Unfortunately House's collection of books was limited. There were a few medical books, most likely used to store Vicodin, and a couple novels that Wilson had either read or had no interest in. Sighing, he pulled the only other book off the shelf and rolled his eyes.

"Ah, an afternoon alone with my _favorite _book," He said sarcastically, "Broadway musicals of the 1940's." He didn't even bother trying to think about why House had this particular book as he sat down on the couch and opened it up. "At least there's no roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?" It was true. It didn't matter what he was doing, he could be cleaning the floor with a toothbrush, and the fact that he had a few moments of silence was enough to make him extremely happy. Unfortunately a few moments was all he got before House burst in with a plastic bag in his hand a suspicious grin on his face.

"Oh, hi Wilson!" He said happily as he pulled out two beers from the bag, set them on the coffee table, and headed into the kitchen to put the rest away.

"Hello House." Wilson replied, his mood instantly changing to that of annoyance. A happy, mischievous looking House was never good, even though he doubted House was actually happy. "How'd you get the beer that fast?"

"Oh I found a new place a few blocks from here; anyway, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning!"

"You didn't take the subway this morning. You took a bus to work because you had no money for a taxi, you bike is out of gas, and I was actually on time and therefore unable to give you a ride."

House rolled his eyes as if Wilson was missing the whole point.

"Whatever. Anyway, this guy was smiling at me and talking to me-"

"This is very interesting." Wilson commented absentmindedly, trying to drown the other man out. House ignored the interruption as he continued.

"He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!" House smirked as he said this and looked at Wilson as he said the last word. Wilson felt himself blush a little and he began fidgeting with the fraying spine of the book.

"Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? I mean, why should I care? I don't care." Wilson desperately tried to think of a way to change the topic. "What did you have for lunch today?" He asked, remembering that, strangely enough, he hadn't had lunch with the other doctor.

"Oh, you don't have to gat all defensive about it Wilson," House said, a grin spreading across his face.

"I'm NOT getting defensive. What do I care about some gay guy you met okay? I'm trying to read." Wilson made a show of turning back to the book. This was not a conversation he wanted to have, especially with House.

"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it," He said, with a look on his face saying that was anything but true. "I just think it's something we should be able to talk about." Wilson sighed and stood up

"I don't want to talk about it, House! This conversation is over! Alright? Over! I mean, are you trying to embarrass me, or is this just your twisted way of passing the time?"

"Both. Embarrassing you is a great way to pass the time. It's curios though that this topic embarrasses you. Normally it would just make people uncomfortable…embarrassment suggests there is something to hide."

"Stop analyzing me!" Wilson shouted as he replaced the book in his hand with a beer. He took a giant sip of the amber colored and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Whatever you say Wilson, but just so you know…" Wilson braced for whatever ridiculous and probably inappropriate thing House was going to say next. "If you were gay, it'd be okay." Wilson groaned and walked into the kitchen, trying to find something that would distract him.

"What I mean is hey, I'd like you anyway. Because you see, my dear Wilson, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay." House paused and judged the oncologists reaction, which was shock, annoyance, and disbelief. "But I'm not gay." He added.

"House, please, I am trying to read." Wilson said. House looked at him and raised his eyebrows. "What?!"

"You left the book on the table." He explained. Wilson sighed and walked back into the living room.

"Fine, if you're not gay then how about queer?" House suggested. "If you were queer-"

"House!"

"I'd still be here-"

"House, please, I'm trying to read." He picked the book up and sat on the couch again. House smirked, knowing he was annoying the hell out of Wilson, which was always fun.

"Year…after year…after year…"

Wilson didn't know which scared him more, this conversation or the prospect of House bugging him about his sexual orientation for several more years to come.

"Only because you're dear to me!" House explained. Wilson actually managed a small laugh at that. He knew House, in some illogical, messed up way, did actually care about him. Otherwise House would have pushed him away a long time ago. It wasn't for a lack of trying however. If ruining essentially all of his marriages, making him wet the couch, and causing him to loose his job twice wasn't enough, the way House went about testing their relationship was proof enough. House hadn't done nearly as many mean, rude, and hurtful things to anyone else, therefore Wilson assumed the older man cared about him and wanted to make sure he used that trust wisely and not on someone who was going to leave. Or Wilson was just too stupid to go away, either way.

Wilson, on the other hand, knew he cared for House a lot more than he should. A lot more than any friend should, weather it be with House or not. And that is why this conversation was making Wilson more and more nervous. Because if House knew how Wilson felt about him…well he would try not to think about that.

"Do you want to know what I know?" House asked, causing Wilson to start. Had he said any of that out loud?

"What?" He asked nervously.

"That you, the wonder boy oncologist, would accept me too, if I told you 'Hey, guess what Jimmy, I'm gay!'…but I'm not gay." House said the last part a little too forcefully. "I'm happy just _being_ with you." He said in explanation. This wasn't the direction House was intending the conversation to go. He was trying to get Wilson to admit that he was a homosexual, and he wouldn't admit that if he thought House was gay. So to remedy the situation House decided on shock tactics.

"And what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?" He asked. Wilson turned a magnificent shade of red and dropped the book, spluttering as he tried to come up with something to say.

"House that's…that's…that's gross!" Was all he could come up with.

"No it's not Wilson, seriously. It's the new millennium; guys are doing it all over the place." Wilson shook his head and tried to run out the door. House was too quick and tripped him with his cane. As Wilson lay on the floor, House continued with his lecture/evil plan.

"Now, like I was saying. If you were gay, I wouldn't care. Hell, I'd even shout hurray. And I'd stay here, seeing as it's my house. But of course, I wouldn't get in your way." Wilson sat up and rested his head in his hands, too shocked to do anything else.

"Now, you could count on me to tell you its okay…wait, never mind, scratch that. You'd probably get the idea that I care."

"And we can't have that." Wilson commented.

"Of course not. But I will say that you were just born that way."

"What?"

"You know, like they say, It's in your DNA. Face it Wilson, you're gay."

"House, I am not gay!"

"But if you were gay…"

"FINE!" Wilson shouted, getting to his feet and turning to face House. "Fine, I'm gay alright! Are you happy now?"

House smirked triumphantly and sat down on the couch, opened his beer, and took a drink.

"Extremely." He said.

"Can I ask why? Why did you felt the sudden urge to make me admit something I haven't told anyone?"

"Two reasons," House began. Wilson groaned and sat next to him, finishing off his own beer. "One, because if you come out of the closet tomorrow I win the bet the nurses in radiology have going."

"There's a bet on weather I'm gay or not?" Wilson asked astonished.

"Yep. There's also one on my sexuality, Chase's, Cameron's, and on who Cuddy will fire next. Sorry pal, but I got fifty bucks on you."

Wilson rolled his eyes. Surprisingly, this wasn't as awkward as he thought it would be. When he thought about what would happen if House found out, he thought it would ruin their friendship. Not because Wilson was gay necessarily, but because that would mean there was only a matter of time before House figured out who Wilson had feelings for. Because Wilson wasn't gay parse. He didn't even consider himself Bi-sexual. He was more House-sexual than anything. Sure he found _some _other guys _somewhat _attractive, but he only had eyes for House. And that is why House had managed to ruin his three marriages, because Wilson would put House before anything.

Unfortunately, that is why Wilson knew House would leave if he ever found out. Because House was not gay, and he certainly wouldn't put anyone before himself. So that was why, even thought the initial aftermath of his coming out was fine, Wilson was still on edge.

"And the second reason?" He asked. House smirked and leaned closer to Wilson, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Because if you were straight, this might not go over so well." Then he kissed him. At first Wilson was taken aback. He sat still for a few seconds before he realized exactly what was happening. House, _House, _was kissing him. It was like a scene from one of his fantasies. He eagerly kissed back, placing his hands on House's chest. After a few minutes they pulled apart, both deciding oxygen was more important than playing tonsil hockey.

"I…" Wilson didn't know what to say. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, waiting a few moments for his brain to clear. "How did you know? I mean, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm attracted to you. Was it some crazy hunch of yours?"

House nodded, pulled the other man closer, and began trailing kisses down his neck.

"Mhm." Wilson felt the vibrations against his skin as House answered. "I knew you had to be gay. It was just so obvious. I didn't know if you were attracted to me or not so I figured I'd kiss you and find out."

"And if I wasn't attracted to you?"

"I hadn't really planned that far ahead."

Wilson chuckled and House looked at him strangely.

"What?"

"If you come out of the closet on the Friday of next week, I win the bet the nurses in _pediatrics_ have going." Wilson said.

"You thought I was gay?"

"No…but I had hoped."

House smiled, yes actually smiled, and kissed Wilson again. And Wilson decided that he was perfectly fine that House had interrupted his reading.

**Authors Note: So there it was...I hope you like it!! R&R please!!**


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